there was something to blog about but i screwed the time management up so i'm writing just parts of it down because im simply not in the frame of mind to write it. HA HA you know.. typical Xuan.


anyways

i need to change the blog skin. and whatever it takes to make it private (not that its like being publicly exploited now, far from it actually ha). its goin to be like the online personal diary it was supposed to be when it started out. well we all know how things always dont turn out to be what they were supposed to be.


AND

about the dying enlightenment. this was the fuckin main story i wanted to blog about but i dont think i have the time now. right. like when will i ever have the time for anything. but yea... its a fuckin turning point of my life. i hope it is.


and the sub stories of perseverance (dont give up!), wandering around (total freedom!) and bla bla that i already cant rmb.






haha i know i just wrote something nobody else understands (again!)

CIAOOOOOOOOO

So why do people fall in love? I never quite understand that. i mean there are so so many pitfalls that it just dosen make financial or economic or common or ANY sense to even start one. but still people do it. So i guess we were all born with a certain sadism. Just not long ago i was pretty caught up with raving about her.. rather assiduously. And things just simply changed with a snap of the finger. i knew there was a storm coming.. but never would i have expected it to be in such manner. let alone foresee I would be the one cooking it up.


how many times do i have to say sorry? i've said it like a million times in my life so far.. i want to stop sayin it. And yet you have to be so forgiving, and magnanimous to my bullshit it simply adds on to my guilt. i hate it that way. and i get confused. sometimes i feel it really is love keeping me in it. then some other times i think its just guilt. i hate it that way too. and im sure you don't like it either, nobody will.


the other her asked me what is it that we like about each other. i know what you like about me. but the moment i think of you, there is only guilt. i would rather save these for some other female, not you. Yes it is corny. everybody would say this excuse sucks. but people came up with this because it happened. and is happening to us. i should probably selfishly find another girl to channel all these misdeeds. right. easier said than done. this way i can drown myself with enough guilt to retire as a monk pretty soon.


enough. i know you read this page often. probably the only person who reads this page. i will have to tell you in person sooner or later. but ya.. i still love you.

___

i read a book recently and was deeply disturbed by it. Not by its theme, it was all but creativity meant to capture the attention of book readers. It was the everflowing of evil throughout the stories, the imagination of the author responsible for them. What human would have wanted such subtle eveil to surface? And the sheer thought that such capabilities rest within every single individual sent shivers down my fuckin spine.

I am fuckin' emo now




bcos i just woke up
bcos i am bookin in later
bcos i am attached
bcos i know things
bcos i'm not supposed to know
bcos a storm is coming


ok it feels better now rather than have all the uncertainties jumbled up.

I absolutely adore her

There are things so complicated you can explain with the theory so simplistic it goes "you dont want your life, others still want theirs" It explains selfishness, selflessness, sacrifices, forgiveness and so much more.


And it hurts the most. too.






i fuckin hate this song