I am not supposed to post anything.

i think all humans at first, set out to become the greatest person to have lived. we target the materialistic things and then the not-so tangible things. but then after all is experienced, somehow relationships become the most important asset in our evaluation.

how we behave, how we see others, how others see us, what we really feel about something, gaining respect, making decisions, caring for the minority, caring for the majority, the acts of nobleness, the acts of ignobility, the joyous assumptions, the daunting deceits, the child-like innocence, the maturity of mammoths,

and so much more..


i'm starting to feel the essence of living. you should too.. =)

a post to random

We meet people eh.. in our journey. So back then i met this person. And it is the rest's history. i can't believe she has such an impact on me. Sometimes i sit there and wonder whether its healthy to have somebody else hold such influence on an individual. But of course no matter what conclusion i come to, i am still tremendously indebted to her.

It probably isn't love. Its an opinion i value greatly, just like we all worry about how others look at us. She would be like a mentor when i face problems, telling me exactly what the truth is. She would be the best friend in companionship, spending time together and being foolish. She would seek opinions and value them, giving me presence of my importance. She would be standing right behind no matter what bizarre decisions i try to make, knowing i am not alone. She has become everpresent in my life. How she looks at me, has become very very important. What she says are words of wisdom. Her presence is compulsory.


I cannot just say what exactly she is to me. She may not be physically here all the time, maybe once in a while. But it is like a man-made rope that binds us together.


And it is not healthy. haha.
it's kinda sick.

gong xi fa cai!!

gong xi fa cai ah gong xi fa cai



hehe the CHINESE new year spirit is finally gettin to me, which is pretty late i know.. it was never there when we did the round-robin house visits nor was it there when the fish-grow were flipped and tossed.. but its finally here. when everybody else is past it. bugs.

and i think i'm also finally gettin sick of curry. hahaha. yes curry, sick of it. speaking curry, our family eats curry once in a while, actually we have it pretty frequent. and my dad is forever digging out the little sediments of fish for me and my brother. which is making me feel guilty. and its a strange emotion to have..


i'm pretty much settled on the idea of stocks and NZ. its very nice. really.. just thinkin of it is making me smile wide like a panda. but pandas rarely smile eh..

oh welllllllll





cya. =) btw, Happey Valentines Day!

Hey HEY!!

Happy New Year!!




yikes. i'm just talkin to myself. this is a dilapidated little page on the bombbig web.

im supposed to spend some time doing up this page I KNOWWWW... it just slipped off my mind lah. besides, i didnt even update with entries... you seriously think i will do up the page. must be nuts.

anyway, the new year's come and is slowly goin again. well, people met one another again for the sake of traditions. darn... every year i enter this period with nothing in my mind and come out of it with a million questions. and shit... my biggest fear of them allll (its still lingering up thr in my mind actually) is SERIOUSLY materialising. which i am getting suspicious contributes to my longing for NZ a lot more than i thought. and my life. ive been doin pretty much TONS of thought on that subject matter. and i still only have a tiny idea of how my life should pan out.


I AM GOING TO NEW ZEALAND WHEN I'M 40 YO.

i am goin there with my fortune made.
i am going to marry the love of my life. (the grey)
i am going to do absolutely nothing there.
i will start to enjoy my presence alive.
i will start to appreciate the very wonders all around us.
I will BE in heaven.


we always hear about love,

knowing no boundaries
sacrificial & above all else
keeping us alive


you know i firmly believe in that. call me whatever you want. which is why i dont subscribe to the ideas of forbidden love. there IS forbidden love, which is STILL love; that is forbidden. thats why its called forbidden LOVE. you know in life, there are alot of things that you cannot control because its been there ever since your great great great great ancestors were even born. there are rules that somehow evolved into norms people are expected to abide to. i'm not goin to spell it out. it actually even takes courage to merely mention these days. if it results in no children so be it. if we can spend the rest of our lives together blissfully with well-wishes of those closely loved, heck i would give up years if i need to!

(i know a certain teng has a thousand names to call me by now and a million stuff to shoot haha!)

life is you know... indeed a journey. what kind of journey we decide. i know what i want. and i intend not to let anybody else interfere with it.














p.s. HAHA i got feedback i'm actually suggesting im gay in this entry. you know in my supposed enlightened thinking i should be simply allowing it to happen and yet not get to me.. BUT HOR i just want to like... say abit lah... that IM NOT FREAKIN GAY. NO IM NOT TALKING HOMOSEXUALITY. ahem.

there was something to blog about but i screwed the time management up so i'm writing just parts of it down because im simply not in the frame of mind to write it. HA HA you know.. typical Xuan.


anyways

i need to change the blog skin. and whatever it takes to make it private (not that its like being publicly exploited now, far from it actually ha). its goin to be like the online personal diary it was supposed to be when it started out. well we all know how things always dont turn out to be what they were supposed to be.


AND

about the dying enlightenment. this was the fuckin main story i wanted to blog about but i dont think i have the time now. right. like when will i ever have the time for anything. but yea... its a fuckin turning point of my life. i hope it is.


and the sub stories of perseverance (dont give up!), wandering around (total freedom!) and bla bla that i already cant rmb.






haha i know i just wrote something nobody else understands (again!)

CIAOOOOOOOOO

So why do people fall in love? I never quite understand that. i mean there are so so many pitfalls that it just dosen make financial or economic or common or ANY sense to even start one. but still people do it. So i guess we were all born with a certain sadism. Just not long ago i was pretty caught up with raving about her.. rather assiduously. And things just simply changed with a snap of the finger. i knew there was a storm coming.. but never would i have expected it to be in such manner. let alone foresee I would be the one cooking it up.


how many times do i have to say sorry? i've said it like a million times in my life so far.. i want to stop sayin it. And yet you have to be so forgiving, and magnanimous to my bullshit it simply adds on to my guilt. i hate it that way. and i get confused. sometimes i feel it really is love keeping me in it. then some other times i think its just guilt. i hate it that way too. and im sure you don't like it either, nobody will.


the other her asked me what is it that we like about each other. i know what you like about me. but the moment i think of you, there is only guilt. i would rather save these for some other female, not you. Yes it is corny. everybody would say this excuse sucks. but people came up with this because it happened. and is happening to us. i should probably selfishly find another girl to channel all these misdeeds. right. easier said than done. this way i can drown myself with enough guilt to retire as a monk pretty soon.


enough. i know you read this page often. probably the only person who reads this page. i will have to tell you in person sooner or later. but ya.. i still love you.

___

i read a book recently and was deeply disturbed by it. Not by its theme, it was all but creativity meant to capture the attention of book readers. It was the everflowing of evil throughout the stories, the imagination of the author responsible for them. What human would have wanted such subtle eveil to surface? And the sheer thought that such capabilities rest within every single individual sent shivers down my fuckin spine.

I am fuckin' emo now




bcos i just woke up
bcos i am bookin in later
bcos i am attached
bcos i know things
bcos i'm not supposed to know
bcos a storm is coming


ok it feels better now rather than have all the uncertainties jumbled up.

I absolutely adore her

There are things so complicated you can explain with the theory so simplistic it goes "you dont want your life, others still want theirs" It explains selfishness, selflessness, sacrifices, forgiveness and so much more.


And it hurts the most. too.






i fuckin hate this song

hey yo...

its 3 hrs to book in time and im writing this real fast.

i just wanted to write something somewhere. i got to realise just how lucky i am.

i have my parents and my brother who are there and two years later will be there and 20 years later will still be there. haha. and i have my friends. the friends who you know will be there 20 years later too. and i have a girl who has the most infinite patience in the world. and she loves me. so im a lucky person. i mean seriously... you cant understand how lucky i am feeling right now.

and i start to really ponder whether anot i want everything that badly bcos everytime you pursue something really badly, you end up feeling empty after u get it. you dont really need it after all.

AND I REALLY DONT WANT NS. that one i know for sure.

ha. vroom. im off.

you know i had tons i wanted to scribble in here because no one comes already anyway... but i lost all thoughts on the way. HA HA HA

4mths into ns and everything starts to settle into place. lifestyle changes and all the adjustments needed has been done. Sure once in a while i still get the i-want-to-get-out-and-do-my-life-MY-WAY impluses... but yea, this what every guy goes through in singapore what... sometimes i just wonder whats it like out there where the others are already working and rubbing shoulders the corporate way, are they also adapting well enough? or i suppose the adjustments are almost neverending... Just how many people get to do what they want in the materialistic society called singapore? i dont mean shake-leg-drink-icetea kinda life... everybody simply just fits into the broad system of the society and start slogging and shaping their lives the way everybody does in here eh... so its still kinda regimental in the not-so-obvious way... Like say... Money? the root of all evil. probably when money's not only not an issue, its meaning entirely vanished, that everything else (the corporate ladder, jobs, cultures, so-called positive & -ve values etc) will start to dissipitate as well. but then again... thats rather idealistic.



what if there's a place where people realise their own personal missions everyday single day when they wake up, and not nearing the end when they're inches away from their deathbeds that their own in-bred objectives finally dawn upon them?

TWO MONTHSSSSSSS?!?!?!?!?!?!


since the last post. i think its the longest ever... because got nothing to update what!

but then since ive got this uber l0000ng weekend i went to catch up on some of the blogs and realised n0thing much is up there either, other than hyperactive eric's. HAHAHA wah the world revolves around me eh... i stop everybody else stops! (Eric's from another galaxy so he dosent count).

hahhhhh.... so how's everyone doing?


SHIT. i just realsied like since i haven touched this blog for this long, wouldnt there be nobody left who regularly checks for updates? SO I WRITE FOR WHAT?!


nevermind lahh... just write only.

i tell you... two months into army and it really is taking its toll already. i know two months is only just TWO freaking MONTHS. but trust me, time crawls slower than a tortoise and snail combined inside. i feel like ive been in that shithole for like at least half a year already. Anyway, i said its takin its toll. its not so much about the training and stuff, that part can be enjoyable. why its hard to get by is that u freakin have no idea why ur spending almost 90% of your time inside doing countless tasks and seemingly having a schedule so packed its bigger than Big Mac. BECAUSE i really have no idea what i had been doing for the past two months. and i really do not like the prospect of doing this for two straight years. sometimes we dont realise how precious time actually is. yes we acknowledge that time is precious most of the time, then fullstop. but i realise(sortof!) now just how important it is to know what you are doing with your time!

Two years, so strategically placed at a time where steps u take would make or break your entire life. Army came at a time when i havent yet decided whether music can feed me for the rest of my life (or at least until i find a rich enough chiobu to powder my face white). Then now i risk ending up somewhere where i have no time even to choose where to take a dump, let alone having anything to do with err... whats the name... , music?



Ohh GODDDDD!! Can a voice just freakin tell me what to do?! like err... let's see Xuan Almighty??!!

great... now where are the wise people i successfully rid of(rather very stupidly) from my life?

Booking out made everything seem slower, and boring.

Come to think of it, it was boring even before enlistment.



Ultimate Random.

Well... There wasn't a lot of time for maneuver but people have been informed and i got to do things that i wanted to do so all is cool.

Going in would probably take up loads of my time, most of it in fact. So that leaves me with no space to pursue anything other than ORD. I wonder how much of it i would be reminiscing after the two years, when i embrace the fact that ive served the obligation im supposed to. yaaa... its kinda funny when u see that you are feeling excited about something because you have already submitted to capitulation. Still... all is cool.

I would really like to have a chance. Not to explain my mistakes, not to defend myself. I would DIE to have the chance to at least be scolded at, and even be slapped and kicked and tortured. But i probably would not be getting that chance, and even less in the future since im goin in and staying there for the next two years. You know, i hope you are reading this. i will not even ask for forgiveness.. just talk to me, will you? Just very simply talk to me...

others say they feel pretty sad for me that it has gotten to this. but no... its not even close to being sad for me. To be such a total stranger to you and your life is devastating to me. i dont want to be a stranger. im not used to being a stranger. and i hope you wont as well.

FLYYYYY


You know i would really like to fly off on my wings one day and never come back... its like fleeing. No no... I WANT A DRAGON. Flying on my own would probably be so damn tiring. But still, the idea's to flee FLEE flee.

And give me a magic wand. ABRAKADEBRA. Everything turns out the way i want it to. HAHAHA... that would be nice. and funny. Not everybody will find it funny. It probably takes alot of humour to find it funny...

Well... i had a dream last night. i didn't want to dream of that person. But if u get me my dragon and my wand... I'll make it real.

OK. my blog is probably so popular that everybody reads it. even those at cmpb. because the very next day after i posted the last post i got a call from them. yes. the blog is bloody widespread can. BUT HOR nobody tags. actually the board is so LOK-KOK most people cant tag on it... me too.

anyways

So when i got the call i was freakin excited. u know the prospect of cutting short a 6month abandonment to just one week is ultimately way too cool. but then an hour later everything just sets in and I WAS FREAKIN SAD. ha.

i have to meet every single friend in one week before what i expect to be two freakin basket years when u'll probably have all your friends move down two notches in terms of acquaintanceship. Somebody save me...


BUT NO. STOP. if ur from cmpb. DO NOT POSTPONE ME AGAIN. PLS.

OK... lets do this quick before the labtop dies on me again.


Can someone pls tell me what to do with myself for the next 6 months? No, not work. Out.
Bcos i simply have no idea why i need to be thinking about what to do when all the others just sit and wait for the military guys to usher them into camp! SOMEBODY... cmpb... HALO...


Anyways, watched Pirates and Jack was missing! He wasnt there for a good portion of the show so... its saving grace became Keira Knightley. freakin hot for a tomboy...

So ive been doin quite simply nothing for the past three weeks. Went on Boliao night trips FOUR freakin times. Watched a dozen movies. Went on live bands hunt. Effectively turned the bio clock upside down.

I'm going to do the current thing on trish's blog one of these days. All the Dear @ ....
That is when i get my hands on a working piece of metal crap.

First up...

Graduation is gone, and i didnt make it. Well i didn't want to make it. But somehow there was this mysterious force nudging me to go as it drew closer. But then, i still didnt make it. So if i dont go up on stage then i might as well not go to school at all. In the end it all proved to be a BIG mistake, that im getting emo bouts once in a while now.


Next up...

This is a black black may. It really is. It didnt happen to me directly, but still there were pangs of sadness when news broke one by one. It really goes out to Eric. But knowing him well enough, he's more than capable of getting this out of the system. in truth, condolences should be for the loved ones. well...


Finally...

There was this person in my life once, and for a very long time. But now that she's gone, i hope every single thing goes well for her. Seriously, i dont want her to be gone but not everything's within your control. Anyway, this person needs to know: News is seeping through, so get something done before history repeats!

i probably should not be telling her things. It was my mouth that got me into trouble.

Yea so everyday's kinda boring ever since i had nothing to do. Well i have something to do but i dont really know how to go about accomplishing it.

So losing someone isnt all that a big deal after all.

This has to end abruptly bcos im off to banging against the wall.